The Awkward Talk: How (and When) to Tell a New Partner You Have HS

There’s a unique kind of dread that comes with dating when you have HS. It’s not just the usual first-date nerves. It’s a quiet, heavy question that sits in the back of your mind from the moment you start to feel a real connection with someone: When do I tell them? And, more terrifyingly, how?

This isn’t just a conversation; it feels like a confession. You’re not just sharing a piece of medical information; you’re handing someone a loaded weapon that could blow up everything you’re starting to build. It’s a moment of pure vulnerability, and the fear of rejection is immense. It’s a hurdle that can feel so high, it’s easier to not even attempt the race. But it’s a conversation we must have, and navigating it with a bit of thought can make all the difference. So, how to go about telling a new partner about HS?

The Question of “When”: Finding the ‘Least Wrong’ Moment

Let’s be honest, there is no “perfect” time to have ‘the talk’. There are only different levels of awkward. Wait too long, and it can feel like you’ve been hiding a major secret. Say it too soon, and you risk overwhelming someone before they’ve even gotten to know the real you.

Some people are advocates for getting it out of the way early, on the second or third date. The logic is sound: you find out their character quickly and save yourself potential heartbreak. It’s a brave, rip-the-plaster-off approach.

The other school of thought, and the one I tend to lean towards, is to wait until a genuine emotional connection has been established. Wait until you’re past the small talk and you’re sharing real things about your lives. When it feels like the relationship is naturally moving towards physical intimacy, that’s often the right moment. It’s no longer a hypothetical; it’s a piece of practical, important information they need to have. The key is to do it before you are intimate, to give them the respect of choice.

The Question of “How”: A Few Words from the Trenches

This is where most of us stumble. How do you even start? My best advice is to be calm, straightforward, and honest. This isn’t a dramatic confession; it’s a health update. Sit them down, somewhere private and comfortable—a quiet coffee or a moment on the sofa, not a noisy pub. Take a breath, and say something like:

“Look, I really like you, and I feel like we’re getting close. There’s something about my health I need to tell you about. I have a chronic skin condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa. It’s an autoimmune thing, which means it’s not contagious, it’s nothing you can catch, and it’s not about hygiene. It just means my body sometimes gets painful flare-ups in certain areas. It’s a pain in the arse to manage, but it’s a part of my life, and I wanted you to know.”

Keep it simple. Answer their questions honestly. The goal isn’t to give them a full medical lecture; it’s to give them the basic, crucial facts and to show them that you trust them enough to be vulnerable.

After the Dust Settles: Their Reaction is Not Your Verdict

This is the most important thing to remember. Whatever their reaction is, it is a reflection of their character, empathy, and maturity—not a judgment on your worth.

A decent, compassionate person might be a bit taken aback, they might have questions, but they will respond with empathy and understanding. Their primary concern will be for you. That’s a green flag.

If they react with disgust, fear, or judgment? It will hurt like hell. I know. But in a strange, brutal way, it is a gift. They have just shown you that they are not the right person for you. You have just saved yourself months or years of inevitable heartbreak. Their rejection is not a verdict on you; it is a revelation about them. Your honesty was a filter, and it did its job perfectly. You are still whole, you are still worthy of love, and you have just dodged a bullet.

Have you had ‘the talk’? How did it go? What advice would you give to someone who is terrified of having it? Share your thoughts in the comments; this is a conversation we need to have.

(For anyone struggling with the emotional side of relationships and chronic illness, UK charity Relate offers brilliant resources and support.)